While stigma has become less attached to many important social issues, it has not loosened its grip around one of the most prevalent issues for youth today, and that is depression. And what most people don’t know about me is that I have suffered from severe, ongoing major depression for the past three and a half years of my life.
When people say, “I’m depressed” they usually do not mean that they are actually suffering from clinical depression, or major depression. The simply mean to imply they are having a difficult time dealing with something in that moment and that they are having normal, very human emotions about life’s challenges. Major depression isn’t like that. You are dealing with a serious illness that can have serious, life threatening consequences. When you’re in the throws of depression, it’s hard to recognize that that is exactly what depression is: an illness.
I think admitting that I’ve had a severe problem with depression can be slightly shocking to both those who know me and those who don’t. It did not occur until my later teens, way past the “moody” or “angsty” phase that most teenagers today go through. I was seventeen and in my junior year of high school when I first felt so tired that my head slammed down on my desk during the middle of my chemistry SOL. It was the ultimate head-desk, so to speak. From there on out I was never quite the same. And there were far worse moments than merely being fatigued in class. My story is much too long and involved to go completely into but I will say that that was the start of my first cycle of major depression. The second one didn’t occur until the end of my freshman year of college. Each episode lasted each for about ten months, due to delayed treatment. When I think about this, it’s easy to see how big of an effect this illness has had on my life.
I’ve taken too many different medications to remember them all, been to see psychiatrists multiple times a week, and been recommended for inpatient treatment twice. Every time I say this now, I began to realize all over again just how serious the situation was. At the time when someone is in the middle of a depression, things might not seem urgent and s/he may feel completely in control. However, I would just like to say that depression itself alters your way of thinking too much to even consider this as an acceptable route in dealing with it.
Ignoring depression was how I dealt with it; because I didn’t want believe that it was affecting me, until things got really serious, even though I knew exactly what was going on from close to the beginning. I suppose that is the good thing about our generation. We do have a lot of information available to us through the Internet and quite honestly, it is where I found a lot of my solace, when I was too afraid to reach out for help.
It wasn’t only me that refused to believe that I could have a chronic mental health problem; it was my parents too. I think I grew up too easily and had such a wonderful, smiling childhood that it could never seem as though I could be affected by something like depression. I think that parents are in the best position to recognize when their child is depressed, but at the same time I think they are in the worst position to feel comfortable taking action about it. Some parents are so embarrassed they shut down whenever their child tries to tell them they are hurting emotionally, others send their children away to boarding school and some parents get their child help only to blame the child’s depression on “adrenal fatigue” or “chronic migraine” and refuse to ever fully recognize what is really going on. My parents took and still take the latter approach. They never wanted me on medication, because they believed I shouldn’t be dependent on a drug that “I don’t need,” when in reality, medication helps most people with depression. For my parents, and other people as well, to believe that just because I have a “good life” means that it is impossible for me to have a mental health problem is almost absurd to me. But there is nothing easy about discussing or getting treatment for depression so you can’t really blame others for much, at the end of the day. The truth is; if most people can come to a complete or semi-complete understanding of the situation, they will most likely do their best to help. It’s the “coming to an understanding” part that’s tricky.
A lot of people would say that there’s not much we can do about how others react to mental illness. That may be true, as we can’t control the inner workings of the minds of others, now can we? What we can do, however, is speak out and avoid the stigma before it happens. By admitting to one another that we’ve dealt with major depression before we are just being honest, helpful and representative of the 25% of American adults that have suffered, are suffering or will suffer from depression at some point in their lives. I would love for there to be a day where I can openly talk with someone about some of the things I went through at the rehabilitation center twice a week after school, or even just the things that went on inside my head during those difficult times when I couldn’t even think straight. We’re not as alone as our individualist culture has led us to believe and breaking down the barriers and stigma that surround mental health issues holds valuable answers, which will propel us forward toward progress. It does not solve everything, but it is always good to begin a journey somewhere. And why not begin with accepting people who have had an unfortunate disruption from life due to depression and at least try and make them feel loved and accepted? I can’t see this hurting. I can only see it helping.
Suicide is all too real and while most people with depression never go on to kill themselves, some will and you may never know just how close many come. It’s truly tragic, especially in the eyes of someone in remission, because you can see just how much your thoughts can change when depression takes over. It is not crazy to think that way. But it is crazy to think that these people have the ultimate control of their thoughts, moods or behaviors when they are in the depths of depression. I remember not being able to get out of bed to use the bathroom and dealing with those consequences. At age twenty, I have only felt more ashamed in very few instances. This, as low of a moment as it was for me, illustrates my point effectively: if I could have willed myself to get out of bed in time to make it to the bathroom, wouldn’t I have willed myself to think more positive, productive thoughts before everything got so out of hand? Wouldn’t I have just told myself my nausea didn’t really exist and started eating again, before I started to look ill? Wouldn’t I have talked positively enough to myself enough times into order to fall into a solid, restful sleep each night? Wouldn’t I have bothered to keep the friends I had made or was making? Some people will disagree with me and probably will always disagree with me, but I feel as though the people that have dealt with depression and the people who truly want to understand it will agree that it’s NOT an inner character flaw in how you relate to the world, but rather a pathology that affects the parts of your brain that help you relate to and function in the world.
While most people’s depression will go away with time, if left untreated, this is a horrible route to take. I would say honesty, proper treatment with a psychiatrist and good lifestyle habits (i.e. EXCERCISE!) can set the stage for a whole lot of unanticipated, positive change. You can’t fix a problem by avoiding it or looking the other way. If there’s a problem, look toward it and say, “I see it. Now what do I do?” Take action and have faith. However, accept that not everything will resolve within your timeframe or resolve at all and that sometimes the best thing to do is to just be okay with not being completely okay all of the time.
***Please note that these are just my thoughts and opinions and some of my experiences. It’s not meant to be medical advice and it certainly isn’t meant to be glamorous in any way. I don’t even know if this is useful in the way of contributing something unique to this topic of discussion, but I don’t think it ever hurts to speak out. Hope everyone is doing well and PLEASE, CALL SOMEONE IF YOU’RE NOT. Thank you.
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